The Hermaphrodite

1 He had an iron peg for a nose; his future wife, named Kciroy, she was a toothless dwarf and thus, they would soon marry, and that in itself is a long story, that I shall try to make short in a jiffy. 2 She was the morbid princess of Oxas, a puzzled little kingdom in the high mountains of Bulgaria, during the early Dark Ages. 3 The king upon his daughter's wedding day, gave his son-in-law Ailepho, double golden nose-plugs, to plug those hug nostrils of his, likened to a hogs snout, without a snout-just deep rooted holes. 4 They smelt worse than rotten game, skunk-holes you could call them, even worse than, devils-breath. 5 To be honest, there are no words in those far-off vocabularies that would have described such a stink. 6 Ailepho was in his middle years, whereas his wife, half his age, and the father, twice the age of Ailepho. 7 Soon after they had married, Kciroy gave birth to a hermaphrodite; the Princess Dwarf went absolute into rage over the sight of the child, and Ailepho, likewise. 8 As for the king, he took it no different than he had when his wife-now deceased, gave birth to Kciroy, that is to say: his daughter and when he allowed his daughter to marry Ailepho, now his son-in-law: -like to like, same to same, simply taking it as a human tragedy in sum. 9 But to go back to why the king allowed Kciroy to marry Ailepho: to be put in a nutshell, it was as this: he got rid of all the rats, with that cursed smell of his throughout the kingdom. 10 No more said on the subject that was the deal, lock-stock-and barrel: "Get rid of the rates, the rats the rates!" 11 Well, now seven years had passed, and the old king was still alive-eighty-seven to be exact, and the child was no more a child, he was a youngster of formal reasoning. 12 Thus, out of bitterness, he was called 'it' not by the grandfather of course, but rather the mother and father: out of repugnance.

13 Now before I go on with this story it must be explained, if only for the sake of psychology, or insight, what started as a good omen, or out of good will, as often it does, ends up in a state of ill-will. 14 A child knows at the age of six months, the nature of his mother and father, hence the child has to adjust, for the purpose of survival, smile when the child doesn't want to. 15 Cry the child will, when the child knows s/he can get out of that cry whatever he or she wants. 16 On another note before we go on, evil knows evil, as well as a fool knows the mind of a fool, as much as a thief knows the heart of another thief. 17 And let it be said, a king knows how much his people will take before they rebel, he knows what they mostly need, that will settle them down. 18 With this in mind I continue with the story.

19 Back to the poor child: was 'it' more male than female? 20 Or vice versa? 21 This of course was gossip among the inhabitants of the kingdom. 22 Who is to say? 23 I mean, does it really matter, and on the other hand, some things may never be known, and for the better, and less gossip. 24 The prince and princess never loved this child, and that was the thorn, and the child and Grandfather knew this-in particularly the child. 25 It was obvious; such things cannot be kept in secret forever. 26 And the child remembered when it was just three years old, one evening, his mother had left the bedroom window open, hoping the crows and the hawks and the ravens, and even perhaps the great owls would pick out the eyes, and pluck out the guts and eat the child alive, little by little unto its death, and low and behold, profess it was an accident. 27 But the child was smart, he unplugged his father's golden nose plugs that night, and slept under his bed, thus, he had saved himself, and in the morning, put the plugs back into his nostrils, and rushed back into his bed, with the windows open, this seemed to its parents to be an omen of some sort, that is to say, leave well enough alone. 28 Well, the child may have been a hermaphrodite, but it had a memory like an elephant. 29 At seven years old, the age of formal reason, this event came to haunt him (I shall now call him, him, because I really don't like the name 'it', respectfully). 30 And to say the least, the child was getting tired of watching so carefully, his mother and father, lest he stop and they poison him, or push him off the tower wall, who's to say what goes on in a morbid mind.

31 It happened on the boy's seventh birthday; he snuck into his father and mother's bedroom, pulled the golden pegs out of the father's noise, and it stunk up the whole kingdom, to kingdom-come, you might say, and no one could find the golden pegs, especially made with two shutoff valves to be put deep into those big hole like nostrils. 32 In addition, he pulled off (softly) the iron nose, his grandfather had made for Ailepho, causing even a more deadly sticky and suffocating uproar. 33 Oh it was terrible; everyone in the kingdom wore masks. 34 Day after day, they could not find those pegs, nor was the goldsmith around to make him new ones-where he was, only the child knew, and played dumb, he had paid him well, to take along trip to China or somewhere, that same distance: again, who's to say. 35 In any case, the persistence in these pestilential gusts from his nostrils was so disgusting, that they curled man and beast's eyelashes. 36 Well what could the king do? 37 What started as a good omen, turned out to be an evil one, rebellion was emanating throughout the kingdom; consequently, he had them both beheaded, in lack of a crime, he called it, causing rebellion. 38 And yes, 'it' took its rightful place as King and Queen of Oxas in due time.

39 And perhaps it is better said, in this case anyhow: if one dares to beat out resistance or existence of another they breed in hatred, and mayhem, if not dark dreams and revenge. 40 Such as it is, in this case, where like to like, was not liked: the hunted becomes the hunter.

By Dennis Siluk Dr.h.c.

Creating Your Sewing Sanctuary

Don't panic! Find a space of your very own. Nothing sparks your creativity as much as having a special place to sew with well organized sewing equipment stored within easy reach. Once you have found a place to sew, sewing will become more enjoyable.

Pick a space with several considerations in mind. Most importantly, your space must be accessible to electrical outlets and adequate lighting. In addition, think about the noise factor. Will the sound of your machine distract others? Will the sounds of others distract you?

To simplify the planning of your sewing area and to stimulate your own originality, here are some necessities for sewing conditions:

1. Both natural and artificial lighting is required. You should have an overhead light for basic lighting and a high intensity lamp for making small detailed work easier.

2. Convenient outlets for all your electrical equipment are obvious necessities. An extension cord must be available when needed.

3. You will require a cutting table. The ideal table should be accessible from all 4 sides, hard surfaced. Some may choose to use the floor or kitchen when cutting. Be sure that the surface is clean and flat.

4. Your sewing machine section must be wide enough to enable free movement of your fabric and room to place your utensils.

5. To provide proper back support during stitching, select a comfortable chair with a straight back.

6. To avoid wasting valuable time in searching for a needed item, organize a storage system of rollout drawers.

7. A box or tote bag to move equipment from one work area to another can be another time-saver.

8. A large storage area will be needed. This way, large pieces of fabric or incomplete projects can lie flat.

9. A pressing area near your machine and storage space is essential.

10. Supply closet space for hanging nearly finished projects and clothes that need repairing.

11. Have a full-length mirror near ample lighting for viewing your garments. The 3-way variety above the mirror is ideal, especially for fittings.

12. For a cheerful atmosphere, choose a soft color with bright accents.

13. To keep your lovely area neat, place a wastebasket under the machine area and near the cutting table.

Try to combine your wishes with the ideas mentioned above to create your very own sewing space. Whether it's just a corner of a room, your originality can make it a warm haven for producing several of fashionable masterpieces. Don't constraint your shopping to the sewing notions counters. Browse in every department to complete your dream of a sewing sanctuary. Anything to which you devote so much of your time deserves to have special considerations.

By Kashopae Evans

Tips For Plein Air Painting In The Snow

Have you ever thought about plein air painting in the snow? It might sound challenging, but it's actually very rewarding and enjoyable. When snow falls, you just have to go out and capture the wonderful effects it has on the land. Winter landscapes are often characterised by long, dark shadow and a variety of brilliant colours. A blanket of snow can work wonders in completely transforming a scene into something completely new. So here are some tips to help you capture some winter magic.

Combat the cold

It's very important to keep warm while you work in the cold. This is because you're going to be much more motivated, focused and productive when you're warm. To combat the cold, wear several layers of clothing and have a hot drink in a thermos flask with you. Don't expose your painting hand to the elements - wear a woollen sock on your painting hand. Thread the tail through the sock and hold the brush in your covered bare hand. Keep your feet warm by standing on a bare bit of ground or bring a mat with you and stand on that instead.

Avoid windy days

As mentioned previously, you can work your way round the cold. The most problematic part of winter weather is definitely the wind. Even in summer, the wind can be a hindrance to plein air painting. When it's winter, it's going to hinder your painting and it's going to make it seem a lot colder than what it actually is. It's best to avoid wind altogether if you can. If you do find yourself fighting the wind, use an umbrella to try to block it from your painting.

Take your time

Unfortunately, snow melts. Many places are lucky to get any snow at all and when they do, it seems to melt away as quickly as it came. However, this doesn't mean you should rush to capture a winter landscape even if you're racing against time. Take some time to appreciate the details and beauty of the winter landscape before you. Take your time when capturing these in your painting. An incomplete painting that you can finish at home is better than a rushed and messy one.

Take breaks

If you find that you can't handle the weather, simply take a break whenever you need to. Paint for 10-15 minutes or so then head back to your car, turn the engine on and warm yourself up for a bit. Have a hot drink and enjoy the break. Then head back and work on your painting for another 10-15 minutes and keep the cycle going. It might take you longer than if you were doing your painting in a single sitting, but it's better than getting overcome by the cold.

These are just a few basic tips to get you started on plein air painting in the snow. If you have any more tips you'd like to share, please do feel free to share them.

Black Chaos (Or, "The Meatpacker's Boy") 1967

A mind trying to recover from a night's drinking, the following morning can and more often than not is, a black chaos-naturally, not everybody understands this. I don't think my mother could. I lived on York Street, on the Eastside of St. Paul, Minnesota, it was 1967, late fall.

I heard the horn honk, it was my mother with her boyfriend, Earnest Brandt, they both worked at Swift's Meats, in South St. Paul, they came to pick me up, this being the 3rd month of my employment, working for them.

No sooner thought than done, I rolled out of my bed, in my studio apartment, flung my clothes off a hanger, in the closet, wiped my feet on a clean rug on an unusually dirty floor, and duplicated my morning a hundred times over, meaning, I would take the ride to work, I worked on the Hog-kill assembly line. My mother was a Meatpacker, she had worked there at Swift's going on twenty-two years, Earnest her boyfriend, thirty-years.

So I took the generously offed ride, in that, I had resolved I'd go to work today, not every day did I come to this decision, I think I missed as much work as I worked, in those days, and in particular at Swift's. I was nineteen at the time, and on the road to becoming a professional drinker, some call it: alcoholic. But I never did give it such a distaining name, back in those days.

Anyhow, it did take me a while to get to the car, I had to search for my apartment keys through a heap of clothes, as Ernie's face blazed with wrath, "Where is that son of yours," he asked my mother, Elsie. And he surely would have used stentorian tones, that vibrated up to my apartment had my mother not been a few feet from him, but he held his cool: not that I blame him.

I kind of new I was doomed today, I had missed a few days this week, it was now Friday, and to be frank and honest, every day I came in late, or not all, and with a handover, well there it is, there was nothing left to do but fire me.

The old man, that's what I called the Manager of our department, would be frustrated as he was always frustrated with me, or nearly always. And the Union, at my Mother's beck and call, and Ernie's at request, always came running to the rescue, and saved my job, three times previously, and this was only the end of the third month, going into the 4th month, god forbid, it be more. But I knew the Union would try to iron things out again, on their behalf, not on mine of course.

I worked hard, when I worked, and it was of course always with a hindered hangover, sometimes my teeth rattled and my head ached and sometimes the manager marveled at that I could keep up with the strong longtime Polish and Irish men on the line: but I was of Irish stock, and Russian stock, and Polish stock myself, hard muscled, strong willed, stubborn, and I could flip the back of those hogs as easily as any other longtime worker, and these hogs weighed 250 to 400 pounds each, and their backs which ended up being bacon, were heavy, perhaps a decent portion of that 400-pounds of hog, and I had to cut the back out of the hog, and flip it over, 180-degrees; and you do that for eight hours see how you feel: you have to lift them up from the iron-belt and turn them about, after four hours no simple task.

This morning the manager had called me into his office. There were several other people in there. I kind of expected it, "I can't take you anymore," said the Old Manager, "you're driving me crazy with your chaotic schedule of work, for the fourth and last time, you're fired, fired, you make me look bad in front of my peers, get out of my office."

I suppose my face was blank, back in those days, I showed little emotion, and I was half under the weather to speak of, recovering from the aftermath of a night's drunk and that so called black chaos inside the head was stirring, what else would you expect. I simple smiled, he was a good man, and I told myself: it's really long overdue. I never said anything but I knew he had a wife whom was bipolar, and once when he was in a daring mood, and asked me to take a minute to listen to him, so he could get me to work harder one day, he told me of all people, about his wife, indicating, I had problems, but so did he. I'm not sure where he was going with this, but I simply agreed to work harder that day, in a different department for him.

Anyhow, back to the manager's office, and ridding of his pest.

With a trembling finger, the old man pointed it at the door, a sign for me to hit the road. As he went "Ha! Ha!" laughing nearly madly.

For me, it was not the same snowstorm, as it was for him. I was young, and he was old. Now writing this out today, I know what it is to be old, and I know what it is to be youth. Like him, he knew both of them, back then. I had another forty-five years to go, but I did understand, I got his goat. And I knew he was putting on a demonstration, perhaps to show his strength, he was lenient with me in the past. And perchance he needed to reinforce to his subordinates, he was in charge.

Now again, my mother and Earnest reached out to come to my rescue, they were going to talk to the Union Representative.

"No," I told both of them, "I don't want the Union's hot-irons trying to fix things for me, I deserve what the old man is doing; matter of fact, he's just doing his job, and I should have been fired long ago."

Well, to be frank, they didn't argue the point.

By Dennis Siluk Dr.h.c.

Contemporary Art in Your Homes

In today's modern era contemporary art remains to find its place in homes, commercial offices and buildings. This is because contemporary art is a true beauty of the handiwork of seasoned artists and they are a great addition to beautifying a room. Whether you want to create an ambient atmosphere suited for a relaxing environment or one that will stimulate the senses of the viewer of the artwork, it takes different forms to accomplish that effect. Some art collectors like to keep artworks created by contemporary artists because of how intricately their works are made. If you are planning to buy one, it helps to know these tips to help you find a great collection of this artwork and how you can make them perfectly fit your home designs.

Understand the purpose of buying contemporary art

There are many reasons why people like to buy inspiring art from the 70's. Some buy them plainly for home decorating while others like to keep them at home for their art collection gallery. There are also those that are looking for a good investment to make from its designs and value. These are important considerations when looking for the contemporary masterpieces to buy and make sure that when buying one it suits your purpose well.

Keep an eye on the price tag

Not all aged arts are created equal. Older pieces of artworks usually cost more than the latest creation of the modern artists. If your goal is investment when buying the artwork, then you should invest well and choose the higher priced antique collections. If you simply want to show off a beautiful painting on your walls, there are cheaper art collections that come as nice as the expensive ones in terms of the design value.

The artistic value

The contemporary art value is also regarded in consideration of its creator. Seasoned contemporary artists are known for their handiwork, skills and reputation in their field of industry and their works are already considered of high value in terms of quality, design and longevity. Avoid buying contemporary arts that are worthless and created by artists that simply copied their art from the style of the other artists. Good artists are those that can express inspiring ideas and their works are marked with originality. High quality masterpieces of this kind are likely to be good investment. They usually retain their quality value especially in public auctions.

Determine your taste

Contemporary art evolves and it may take different forms. Your choice will depend upon your own taste of style and design from a contemporary masterpiece. You can choose from the modern approach of contemporary designs or remain to opt for the conservative style of this masterpiece. Landscape paintings remain to be popular in the industry but more bizarre and abstract designs of contemporary paintings begin to emerge and are quite accepted by the contemporary art community because of its exciting, intriguing and unique forms. When choosing the contemporary art to buy, make sure that the design and color best suit in complementing your home furniture and walls.

By Gregory Garcia

How To Configure Your Reception Area

It's extremely important for your event to have an ease of traffic flow through your event timeline. From your grand entrance, to the last dance, you won't want to have to snake your way through tables, (or in the case of a very large reception) travel back and forth across a huge room.

1. Match your configuration to your timeline:

For example:

Looking in from the main entrance: If your cake is located in the far left corner of the venue, your wedding party table is right wall center, and the dance floor is straight ahead toward the rear wall, you would be best served by cutting your cake prior to your first dances. It allows you to flow back toward your table (if needed) as you cycle through your timeline. This gives the venue staff ample time to portion the cake for your guests while you dance, and toss the bouquet/garter, and puts you on the dance floor when open dancing begins.

Some venues will have a tendency to place the DJ in a corner. In the worst cases we have seen, placement of 20-30 feet from the dance floor with guest tables between! Often this terrible configuration is done in an effort to make the dance floor the center of attention, and while I agree with the concept, the execution makes for an uncomfortable evening for the guests at those tables.

Corner placement of the DJ is fine, assuming that the placement allows the sound to radiate evenly through the room, and has a balanced and primary focus on the dance floor. If this cannot be achieved naturally, then consider an extended sound set up. Extended sound set ups place additional speakers (with separate volume control) strategically in the room.

2. NEVER PLACE TABLES BETWEEN THE DJ AND THE DANCE FLOOR.

They say that typing in all caps is the equivalent of yelling... Well maybe I am, but that is only because of how important it is to never do this. Never allow your venue to do this. Never allow your planner to do this. Did I say NEVER?

While this won't affect the reception during dinner, it will when the party starts. Professional speakers put out anywhere from 200-1000 watts RMS of sound with SPL's of 90 (a jack hammer)-136 (rock concert) db. That's technical jargon for "the poor folks sitting at these tables are at risk for an unpleasant night at best, and hearing loss at worst."

Utilizing these two tips will help you to insure a fun and memorable evening! For more ideas and advice on planning, visit our website, and share your comments and questions with us!

By Phil A Tucker

5 Tips on Building an Effective Website for Artists

What follows are five effective tips for building the type of website that will garner a maximum response. Your website should focus visitors on the works you have created and minimize any distractions.

Buy your Own Website

You don't want to use any "free" web hosting services because they are never free. They are paid for by distracting advertisements and have domain names so long and confusing that no one will ever work their way back to the website. The myriad of ads will make your art look bad and worse, gives the website the appearance of being cheap and tawdry. This is why having your own website will work wonders for your art. Plus, purchasing a good website today is very cheap and well worth the effort.

Be Sure its Mobile Compatible

Today, more people use mobile devices such as smartphones and tablets to surf the web. This means that your website needs to be compatible with these devices in some manner so that your work can stand out. While your artwork may not look stunning squeezed down to a 4" screen, if your website is compatible then at least it will be functional and useful to those who want to view what you've accomplished.

Remember Image Sizing

One of the biggest problems that many websites for artists have is that their images are simply too large or take up too much space. This can be problematic for downloading your website and the slower it goes and the more likely people will go somewhere else rather than wait. This means that you have to be extra careful about the size and type of image that you display. For example, a.jpeg displays nearly as well as a.bitmap, but takes up only a fraction of the space. It's okay to use one big image on the home page, but limit your pictures to something reasonable for the rest of the pages so that they load faster.

Be User Friendly

This means make your website as friendly and open to visit as possible. You don't want to force any registration, passwords or the like. Plus, you'll want your website to be as easy to navigate as possible so that visitors can find everything that you have to offer. Think of your website as a free gallery for everyone to see and visit.

Be Clear about Purchases

When offering your works of art, the prices you charge should be reasonable for the effort that you put in. Be sure that you make purchasing the art easy and simple, plus you will need to offer a return and refund policy. If you don't, then expect few sales at best since many buyers will want to see the art with their own eyes first.

By following these tips, you can create a more effective website for artists that work for you.

By Matt McWilliam 

Getting Started As a Magician

It is very difficult to be a magician, as it is probably one of the most difficult arts to practice and master. However, once you reach the point where you believe you've mastered some amazing stunts, you might want to gain notoriety as a magician. Let us have a brief guideline on how to get started as an up and coming magician.

We have presumed that the person in question already has some skills outside of coin and card tricks in order to get started.

Every magician has his/her own special abilities and qualities. It is a humble request to every magician not to try to copy other famous magicians because in this process you may lose your originality. It is important to learn from some of these famous magicians but one should not try to copy them, as each one of them is different in his/her own ways.

Take for example Harry Houdini and Dynamo. Both these magicians are extremely skilful and yet both have diametrically opposite styles. Houdini was more of an over the top magician who loved being flashy and extravagant. Dynamo on the other hand is like a silent killer, who lets his actions speak more than words. It is important for a budding magician to retain his/her persona and act accordingly.

The budding magician must take up small shows at birthdays and other functions in order to garner some kind of confidence. The budding magician should never shy away from these shows, as some magicians confront their egos while doing such shows. It is important to remember that a sequential manner would benefit in the longer term. Hence, these small shows should be used as a confidence building measure. In addition, if one feels that he/she has performed a mistake, try to laugh it out and show that it was meant to be one.

Last but not the least; the magician should upload his/her magic videos on various media sites like YouTube. The magician should then do a proper marketing of this video and follow it up with other videos too. These videos, when will performed and unique, will make you popular among. If you are popular on internet then it will not take a long time for you to be popular as a magician too.

Social media and practice in front of an audience has helped many a magician get started in there careers. If you're really hard up for gigs, you can even promise to do a free one to start, and then film that show for YouTube to show how you are in front of an audience.

By James J Anthony

How to Prepare for Any Event

It's quite rare that you can write and read a one size fits all guide which will work for (almost) any situation within a particular field. When it comes to event furniture hire and planning though, there's a basic system you will always need to follow in order to make sure everything goes perfectly to plan.

• Setting the date

You will be working around this for everything you do next, so it's vital that you get this sorted in advance. Make sure it's something you can do, and one which gives you enough time to plan the rest of the event and organise event furniture hire and the like. While it might be tempting to change the date so that everyone can come, you'll find that this is rarely - if ever - the case anyway.

Most events can be planned and organised in two weeks, but longer is always preferable.

• Sort the guest list

This is another important factor which will help you to determine how big a venue you will need and how much event furniture hire you will need to do. Work out just who you'll be inviting, and remember that around 20% of your invitees are likely to turn down your invitation due to other commitments.

• The venue

Now you know how many people you will be asking to attend, you can look for venues large enough to host this number. Always pick somewhere which can cope with the maximum you'll be having (as well as few extra places in case you've forgotten anyone, or someone wants to take a plus one along with them.

The venue should be easy to reach. You might have guests who plan to walk, drive, or to take public transport, so make sure all of them will have a way of attending. No parking can be a real parking, but if there's a public car park nearby, provide instructions on how to get from there to the venue on foot.

• Send the invites

Now everything is set in stone, it's time to let your guests know. Give them as much notice as you can, so this can be done as soon as you have booked the venue. Ask whether there are any specific dietary requirements which will need to be catered for, and provide contact details so you can answer any questions which may arise.

• Furniture hire

Now you have an empty room, and people who will be in attendance. Make sure they're not making a wasted trip by filling that room and preparing your event. You're likely to need an event furniture hire company to provide seating and tables, but the needs will differ from event from event. If you're not sure what you need or what would work well, speak to the event furniture hire company themselves who will be able to give you the best advice possible (after all, they're likely to have done this before).

• Catering

If your event requires food and drink, now is the time to organise that particular element. This might be a sit down meal or it could be a just light refreshments like tea and biscuits.

By George Soderburg